"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." (John 14:18)
Recently I had a friend ask me what I did when I felt lonely, and it made me start thinking. This friend of mine has friends, loving parents, and even a dog to keep her company. She has people around her. And thinking more about people that say that they feel lonely (including how I have felt before), rarely are they actually alone. There is always someone there, but they can't help but feel lonely.
I responded to my friends question of what I did when I was lonely by saying prayer, but in all reality I had no idea how to respond. Just the word lonely sent shivers up my back knowing what it entails. However, it was the beginning for me to truly think about what lonely is, and remember how I've dealt with this problem in my life.
Before my mission I overall felt like a very lonely person. I honestly felt very separated from almost all those around me. I would talk to friends and such, but I was almost emo in thinking most didn't understand me and honestly scared of what would happen if someone did understand me. I had all of my secrets, as anyone has, and I for some reason thought that by so having these secrets I had a wall separating myself from others. For me it was suffocating.
Because of this I became incredibly clingy to some of my friends. That is how I use to deal with being lonely. I would find a friend I hoped I could trust and slowly try to tell them my secrets. I must've thought that if I could tell someone one by one my secrets I could take bricks off my imaginary wall one by one. There was nothing more important to me then these friends. While I did honestly care for them and still do, they were my foundation in my life.
Sadly though, it didn't cure my loneliness. I even had one friend who I told every single one of my secrets, so there was no more wall to create that loneliness. Even then I didn't feel that I had gotten rid of the horrid feeling loneliness. And lonely people always tend to become friends with lonely people for some odd reason, so it ended up my life was simply filled with others drama and I filled others lives with my drama. I was desperate to find a way to finally have a friend, finally have someone who could understand. Tragically though in my desperation I was led to do things I have forever regretted since.
My life changed though. When I went to Rio on my mission I deep down wondered if I would be able to survive without my friends to hold me up. I depended so much on them because I felt so lonely. I was taught much in the MTC though, and when I arrived in the field I truly was presented with a challenge. First, I was obsessing over these friends I left behind, and I knew I couldn't serve the Lord on my mission with my mind at home. This caused me to do a fast. Not a fast from food, but of reading and writing letters to friends (of course family still got letters though, no worries =D). I felt I had to make this sacrifice for my Father in Heaven. Furthermore, there was the language barrier. No one knew English. My companion knew a little, but I couldn't truly communicate with him. The little I could communicate with him we argued more than talked. I truly felt alone then. There was no one I could talk with except for once a week at district meeting. No longer could I depend on people to end my loneliness.
This is when I began to change. It took me my whole mission, but I truly did change. I realized that we never are alone, that God is always with us. Always. He wrapped me in His arms and cared for me. As I went to Him in prayer and expressed how I felt, I knew He was close and blest me immensely. I began to depend on Him and no one else. There were many moments I felt completely abandoned on my mission, but it mattered less and less. I knew that someone was always by my side. That I could be happy no matter what happened.
When I got home I found it very odd. I for whatever reason didn't talk to my friends as much. I spent much less time on facebook and gmail. No longer did I act almost like a stalker to be able to be closer to my friends. At first I thought I had lost all social skills, but I realized I simply had moved on. I was whole. Now, I do not feel the giant need for a friend to know all my secrets. I don't feel I have to open up anyone. Of course I want a friend I can trust with everything and that I can open up to, but I am not desperately attempting to find that friend. I can kneel every night and offer a prayer truly thanking my Father, no matter how hard that day was.
I am so grateful for my Savior. He saved my from my blackest abyss. I know His atonement has the power to help us. Each person's journey is different, and it is hard to explain that journey after it happens. But no matter how God extends His hand, if we are willing to accept I know that God can cure whichever loneliness and make us happy.
